Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Butt weight. There’s more!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Jurassic park gets weird
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Confused owl: What?!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.