The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?