MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Science memes
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
This is me 🤣🤣
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.