Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Milk Cube
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year