to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
How did we not see this back then?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards