I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.