I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Venn
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You are not alone 💚