Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
🙅🏻
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Unexpected Judgment
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts