I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.