I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”