Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told