(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
What kind of a cult is this?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.