This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
A Short Story.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!