Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??