Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”