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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
who wore it better?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.