Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.