Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit