You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first