The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper