Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.