[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
You Might Also Like
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes