I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Put this video in the Louvre
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Risking my life for fun.