candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!