“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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oh good, now I can stop drinking
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
and this one
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!