There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
A woman drives into a bar.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Important reminders
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
🍛
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*