“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
You Might Also Like
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.