The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.