They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
You Might Also Like
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
much to think about
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES