First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.