Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
and this one
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Who.
Did.
This?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT