The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
this is 10/10 content no notes
❤️❤️❤️
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I feel seen
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’