i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You Might Also Like
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Extremely relatable.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain