As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.