ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
So sick of all these stupid rules
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*