My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
scared to check what name she chose
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”