You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
So the ex texted me
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]