Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
These are my roll models.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.