I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
can’t believe I got front row seats
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I have written yet another poem about laundry