Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees