is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Yes
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.