Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
You Might Also Like
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars