Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.