Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…