Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Cat is stressing him out.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The first matador
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something