Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Stop it! 😂
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.