Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Fluff me with a fork baby
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.