Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Love this guy