You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My plans: 2020:
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life