Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I’m putting together a team
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Okay
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I have a new favorite meme page
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it